I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
