Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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