i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
