I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
