Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
