Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
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