how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
