Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
