her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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