I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
