Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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