I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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