Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
