Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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