I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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