Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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