i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
