I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just googled if crying burns calories
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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