i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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