You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I wish there were birth control emojis
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
There's even glitter on my cock...
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