Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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