he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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