Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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