just come out here and I will go home with you...
My cat gives me a boner
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
