god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
