i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
