I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
