Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
