If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize