Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
