so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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