george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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