I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
