i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
