i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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