I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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