I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
