I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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