Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
