So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
