Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
