Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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