When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
