i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
