also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
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