your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
