I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize