Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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