I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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