K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
