Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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