You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
