everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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