If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
cat food counts as protein by the way
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
