he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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