maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
