God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize