You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
